Well, sounds like the beginning of I'm Not In Love.
Do you?
It's by Godley and Cream.
Yeah.
By 10CC.
No, it's not.
It's the end of Speed Of Sound by the mighty Coldplay.
And before that, you heard Banquet by Blockparty.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
How many exclusive interviews can there be with Coldplay?
How many have you read recently?
Uh, four.
When does the- when does the- when can you- when do you have to stop using the word exclusive?
I think the term exclusive refers to the fact that the words in your interview haven't turned up in, you know, it's like- So they were- but say Coldplay did a day of interviews.
Yeah.
Ten minutes each.
Fifty journalists.
They'd all be exclusive.
They would all be exclusive.
Because they're not saying exactly the same thing.
Well, they are, but they're saying them to a different journalist.
It's diminished the impact of the word exclusive.
It has.
Yet they still put it really big, for instance, on the cover of Q. Yeah, but a lot of... That's probably a good interview, though.
A lot of magazines, yeah, you would expect that Q would go into some more depth than maybe other people, than we would, for example.
What would you ask Chris Martin?
What's it like?
That's what I would ask.
What's the nipple like?
Don't.
What's wrong with asking that?
Because it's family time.
And you're already sucking on to the key of families.
Nipples.
Families centre around nipples.
Steve Laughs Steve Laughs
And what have we got to give away for that?
We've got, what have we got to give away for that?
Some sort of tickets.
We've got five pairs of tickets, check this out, to see the Star Wars Comedy Night on Monday the 9th of May.
That's this coming Monday at the Comedy Store, which is in aid of comic relief.
And Joe, you're connected to that.
I'm connected to that because I'm going to be presenting some of Adam and my Star Wars
spoof films that we made with little action figures for the Adam and Joe show.
They're gonna- we're gonna be showing four of those, uh, as well as top stand-up from comedians, uh, like, uh, Terry Alderton, Lee Mack, Hattie Hayridge, Scott Capuro, and Mitch Ben.
All Star Wars related.
It's gonna be a laughing nerd-o-rama.
That's excellent.
Have you seen the film yet?
No.
You're gonna talk about your worries, uh, your Star Wars worries later on, aren't you?
Yeah, I might do.
Oh, that's good.
That's something to look forward to.
Also, there's some amazing Bounty Hunter clips that we want to play you just as a plug for the Bounty Hunter, but also they're well worth hearing in their own right.
They've been getting some amazing callers on that show.
That's Christian O'Connell's program.
The Bounty Hunter, of course, is a competition where you basically, if you see someone famous in the street, you get them to call Christian's show and they win.
If you're voted as the best celebrity caller, you win what, ten grand?
The person who got them to ring wins £10,000 and the celebrity gets £5,000 for the charity of their choice.
Did you get that, listeners?
I think you did.
But they've been getting people of a fairly high calibre, like Steven Spielberg.
Poor celebrities, they're having to give it to charity.
This is the accepted wisdom, isn't it?
Celebrities can't win anything, they have to give it to charity.
And some of the people who pass for celebrities these days, they need the money.
And you can see the look of anxiety and depression on Caprice's face when she's won £5,000 on a gunge game and yet it has to go to some sick children's hospital.
She needs the money.
She's- she's probably got- she siphons it off into a charity account.
Celebrity charity.
Um, but who else have they got?
Well, Ronnie Corbett.
That impresses me.
This is people who phoned in for Bounty Hunter.
Anyway, we'll play a few of those later on.
Uh, but stick with us here on XFM.
You can hear all kinds of amazing music from the likes of Ben Folds.
We're gonna be playing later on.
British Sea Power, The White Stripes.
That's an amazing new single from them.
The Magic Numbers, Air, Foo Fighters.
All coming up on the show as well as a few unexpected nuggets from myself and Joe.
That's the killers with smile like you mean it.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
So this week on Channel 4 at 11.40, it's a new series of comedy labs.
You know comedy labs, Adam.
You've been involved in one.
I certainly was involved in one.
Yeah, they're a kind of way of basically putting pilots for comedy shows on TV, aren't they?
Yeah, experimental, dangerous, new comedy.
Yeah.
Er, and there's one on Tuesday night that I, Joe Cornish, am heavily involved in called Modern Toss.
It's an adaptation of a comic book and I'd like everybody who listens to this show to watch it.
It's at 11.40 on Tuesday the 10th and it's received five red stars from Zoo magazine.
Oh, well done, man.
And a major rave from the Guardian Guide.
And any heat action?
Wholly ignored by heat.
Oh, you're out in the cold.
Mildly dissed by time out.
But it's edgy.
You know, people don't understand it.
yeah it's very very different modern toss but very funny what kind of thing is it a bit of animation bit of uh it's a bit like if the if the mr men were evil yeah uh it would be modern toss there's some animation there's some live action uh some of it's directed by me and it's brilliant did you direct the live action bits or the animation bits or both the live action bits okay
And any humorous people that we might know involved in that?
No, it's got no stars.
It's part of the anti-star movement.
Anti-star movement?
Brilliant!
Listen, besides plugging that, I was just going to talk about, because I went to the launch of all the comedy labs at Channel 4.
They have a special launch, and they get everybody who's involved in, I think, the five shows they've commissioned, or maybe more, six.
And they show a little clip from each.
And so I've now seen a clip from the whole lineup of comedy labs.
And there's another couple I can recommend.
There's one called Whatever.
And the idea is that teenagers, basically very, very stupid teenagers, are given carte blanche, a phrase they wouldn't even understand- The white card.
To invent formats for TV shows.
So they have a focus group with idiot teenagers and they just come up with ideas of stuff they think would be good on telly.
Is this for real?
They do it with real teenagers?
This is for real.
And they've got the most idiotic teenagers you've ever seen.
I could have just looked at the teenagers for half an hour.
They've got the most amazingly gormless faces.
And then do they actually make the shows they come up with?
Well, the genius thing is, like, one of their ideas is chav baiting.
They go, oh, yeah, what about, yeah, what about a show where, oh, what about chav baiting?
Yeah, you go up to a show and you, like, slag off a chav and, er, if they don't eat you, they eat you in a tenner or something like that.
Yeah.
And they don't even, they don't even sculpt these ideas into something really well honed.
They just do exactly what the idiot teenagers have told them.
So this very nice guy called Tom, very good presenter, quite a posh guy, goes out and starts baiting chavs in the street, being fed lines by the teenagers.
Are you following this?
Yeah.
And there's a fantastic near-fight on screen.
I think there's one where they goad Jade Goody with a sausage or something.
But anyway, it was very funny and I recommend that.
It's called Whatever, coming up at some point next week on Channel 4.
And the other one that was brilliant was called I Am Spasticus.
Who's involved in that?
Now, I Am Spasticus takes the sort of trigger happy three non-blondes format, prank, hidden camera, hidden camera pranks, I mean, and applies it with people with physical disabilities.
So there'll be a genuine woman with half an arm, and she'll come running out of the sea, dripping blood from it, shouting about sharks.
There'll be a blind guy, completely blind guy, walks into an off licence with a dildo, saying, this doesn't work, I'd like my money back.
Stuff like that.
Anyone laughing?
It's troubling, isn't it?
It's confrontational, it's disturbing.
And it's challenging our attitudes to the physically disabled.
But the people there, all the people in it, were there and they were all really fantastic and very excited about it and it's genuinely funny and weird and it's a brilliant application of a slightly hackneyed format.
I wonder if the person who came up with it is disabled or not.
Well, Andrew Newman.
Andrew Newman.
He's commissioned it.
He's kind of disabled.
He's the head of entertainment at Channel 4.
Yeah.
That doesn't surprise me.
He commissioned the Friday Night Project and at this party he came up to me and said, so I heard your radio show.
Are you slagging off the Friday Night Project?
I worked very hard on that.
No, did he really?
Yes, he did.
Well, did you tell him that we slagged it off because he should be ashamed?
I sort of did.
I certainly didn't capitulate and say, oh, no, I loved it, now that I'm faced with the person who commissioned it.
Did you say, yeah, we slagged the Friday night project off, and I think we're going to slag off that dreadful pile of rubbish on Sunday afternoons as well.
What's that one called?
Oh, I haven't seen that.
The Sunday accident.
I'm not slagging that off.
I haven't seen it yet.
No, because I love Andrew Newman.
I love everything they commission.
So there we go.
So there we go.
So the comedy labs on Channel 4 1140 every night next week.
Highly recommend mine and highly recommend whatever and I am Spasticus and the rest of them are probably brilliant as well.
Thank you very much Channel 4 and especially Andrew Newman.
This is Andrew.
This is Andrew Newman.
I'll be right back.
It's just Lila, our producer, said tease the comp.
Look at that weather.
Hang on, I've got so much to talk about.
Oh, what's happened out there?
That's a disaster.
It's like the day after tomorrow.
I came in and it was all sunny and now it's like the heavens have opened.
This is a disaster.
Lila said tease the comp.
I just get excited when people use two short words in one sentence.
Lila's quite into her jargon.
Actually, she only said one, didn't she?
Comp.
You do like the radio jargon.
So we're going to tease the comp now.
The comp is... Lila says things like, that was a good crunch and roll link.
Oh, I'd love to crunch and roll with Lila.
What's a crunch and roll link?
I don't know, but I bet Lila's boyfriend knows.
So yeah, this is Alan Mongeau on XFM.
We're with you for another hour and a half.
Coming up in a second.
Crap.
No, what is it?
It's celebrity regression, where you could win tickets to see a night of Star Wars comedy at the Comedy Store on Monday night.
Adam's going to be regressed into the mind and films of a famous film star.
You have to guess who it is.
The phone number for that is 0871 222 1049, when it happens.
Yeah, well, I think maybe we just should play a record and get right into it.
What do you say?
OK.
All right, have you got a little quick thing you want to say?
What about this?
What?
Have you seen that advert for McVitie's Biscuits?
Which one, man?
We make the biscuits, you make the crumbs.
Oh, yeah.
It's a montage of people.
They've just eaten biscuits.
Is that the one with the two sort of underage children more or less just about to get it on, possibly?
Possibly, possibly.
There's crumbs all over the kitchen worktop.
There's crumbs all over a man's jumper.
He's been eating biscuits in his chair.
Yeah.
And she's sweeping off his jumper.
Then there's someone hoovering her bed.
There's crumbs in the bed.
Yeah.
And they sort of tout this as something to be proud of.
We make the biscuits, you make the crumbs.
No, you make the crumbs because you make the biscuits and you make them all crumbly.
Who are you?
Don't blame us for making the crumbs.
Are you getting angry with them?
Yes.
I don't like the way, A, I don't like messy adverts.
We've discussed this before where people are encouraged to make a mess with food.
I agree.
There's another ice cream one where they have fights with lemon meringue ice cream.
Have you seen that?
Oh, that's not on.
I'm glad I haven't.
That's a disgrace.
B, I just don't like the way they blame us for the crumbs, as if the crumbs are charming.
They think the crumbs are charming.
And as if having them in the bed and all over the blooming shop is charming and an idiosyncrasy of McVitie's biscuits.
It's disgusting and they should put more treacle to hold the crumbs in.
I agree.
Let's you're over.
Thanks, man.
I'm going to play the new spoon single.
I'm just so upset.
Don't calm down, Ed.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
Well, talk something out.
They don't know the crumbs.
They know the crumbs.
Is that broken?
Or is it just modern?
It's modern.
It's hard to tell these days, isn't it?
But maybe the modern world is broken.
Hey!
That's an interesting thought.
Is that the kind of insight we can expect from a Modern Toss joke?
No.
So talking of Modern Toss, which I like to, my fantastic comedy lab, Tuesday 1140 Channel 4, I've just had a text from the TV editor of Heat, because I was just saying how Heat had just completely ignored it, even though I spend every single party talking at great length to the TV editor of Heat, trying to be his friend, so that at times like this he'll write nice things about what I do.
He's texted, ''Dear Joe, really, really sorry for ignoring modern toss in Heat.
I'm forbidden from previewing programmes scheduled so late, but it is brilliant.''
So that's a brilliant from Heat.
Even though they haven't printed it.
If only Heat added the stars.
The stars are what you need, man.
Can you text the stars, Boyd, please?
Five stars.
You know, cos we've never got five stars from the Heat for anything.
We get four stars for this show in Heat.
We never get above four.
And thank you, Boyd, for that.
Cos he's listening, cos he's texting.
Thanks, Boyd.
Maybe Andrew Newman could text us some stars.
That's probably the only two people listening.
Newman and Hilton.
But we should talk less of this business talk, cos it's boring.
We're disappearing up our bottoms again, aren't we?
So here's something that people can understand and join in with.
It's celebrity regression.
Are you gonna cue the thing?
The ding-dong.
The dingle.
The number's 0871-222-1049.
If you can guess which movie star I'm about to regress Adam into the mind and films of, let us...
Set the atmosphere now.
Take a deep breath.
Ring the regression bell.
Take a deep breath at home.
Just relax.
Stay calm.
The sun's now come out here in Leicester Square after the thrashing rain to bring an atmosphere of calm, peace and tranquility for celebrity regression.
Adam, I'd like you to close your eyes, clear your mind of everything.
Empty your head of the two little dirty thoughts that were in it.
Oh, dear.
And just breathe.
And relax.
And I'd like you to drift back.
Back, back, back, back, back, back.
All the way back.
And now I'd like to enter the mind of a film star.
And when you wake up, I'd like you to tell us what you see around you.
Tell us what you see in that film star's film.
Remember, 08712221049, tickets to the comedy store on Monday night up for grabs.
Tell us what you see, Adam.
I'm a policeman.
I'm in a basement room.
It's not real nice.
The curtains are drawn.
Over there, I can see the girl who shot Andy Warhol.
And next door is one of the new kids on the block, not the good-looking one.
He's feeding a Snickers bar, or a marathon bar as we call them here in America, to a kid who's been tied to a bed while horrific music plays to disorient him.
I think it's Nightage Nails, but it could be Razorlight.
I'm not too sure.
And you want to know something ironical?
I'm a policeman, but I organized it all.
I'm blowing your mind.
You thought I was a good guy, but actually, I'm a creep.
I'm a creep.
Is that blowing your mind?
Oh, I'm going to sleep.
Adam's gone back into a regressed state.
Remember, 08712221049, as soon as you guessed the star... Excuse me, a little bit of wind, whose mind he's been regressed into.
Let's experience a second film from the same star.
Adam, wake up, tell us what you can see.
I'm in another creepy room.
I'm always in creepy rooms.
What am I, a creep?
I guess I do look a little creepy.
I've got creepy eyes, that's for sure.
But I'm a great actor.
I'm intense.
I've got intensity.
But unfortunately, I've also got creepy eyes.
So I always end up with these creepy antisocial roles.
I mean, look at me now!
I'm in a creepy, creepy kind of creepy room, and I got no legs.
At least my legs have been painted blue so they can get rid of him later on the computer.
And I'm real drunk on bourbon because I'm bitter about all the cards I've been dealt by fate!
I hate fate!
This is the character I'm talking about, incidentally, not me.
The actor.
All this intensity's tiring me out.
I'm going to sleep.
I'm going to creep.
0-8-7-1, triple 2-1-0-4-9, if you know what star that was and which three films.
Let's go for the third film.
Third and final film.
Adam, wake up.
Tell us what you can see.
Oh, that's better.
I'm in a big high-tech room.
Lots of modern gear and computer screens and such like.
Oh, wait a second.
Don't tell me I'm the creep who blows it up in something, right?
Right?
No.
No, I'm not.
I'm the Air Force guy.
I'm an intelligent man.
I got respect.
What's more, I'm on a whole high-profile, big-bucks kind of mission, which has been my dream throughout my career.
Again, this is the character I'm talking about, not me, the actor.
What?
What?
What do you mean?
I can't go on the mission?
Why not?
Measles?
You're kidding me!
Who are they replacing me with?
That guy from Tremors?
That's a nightmare!
I'm gonna be a creep the rest of my life!
There we go, that was a very sort of aggressive and traumatic regression for Adam this week.
If you know who the star was, which films Adam was regressing to, call 0871 222 1049.
You could win tickets for the Comedy Store on Monday night.
Call now!
XFM.
Oh, isn't that nice?
That's Ben Folds with Landed.
Isn't it funny when a band splits up,
like the Benfolds 5 split up and then one member comes back solo and it just sounds exactly the same as when the band were there.
Isn't that right?
Yes!
You've joined us during celebrity regression.
Adam has been regressed into the mind and films of a famous film star.
We've got several callers on the line who think they know who it is.
Let's go to Lorraine.
Hello, Lorraine.
Hello.
How are you?
I'm fine, thank you.
How are you?
Thank you for respecting the clinical integrity of this experiment.
Okay, mate.
Are you a medical woman?
Um, bloody herbalism and homeopathy.
Bloody herbalism?
And homeo- And homeo- homeo- homeopathy?
Yeah, now don't- What?
Don't go there.
Okay, so Lorraine, what's your guess?
Basically, well before you tell us, if you're right, I want you to say the name at the start, if you're right, Adam will come out of his regression.
If you're wrong, you could scar him for life, you realise that?
I'll be careful then.
Okay, Lorraine, say the name now.
I can't, I think it's Bruce Willis.
They stayed under the rainbow?
What are you talking about?
How did you get Bruce Willis?
It was just the wheelchair ones, 4th of July.
Well, that wasn't Bruce Willis, that was Tom Cruise.
Oh was it?
Oh well that's who I meant then.
Sorry I got... They're not very similar looking even, once again.
They're all the same to me, those Hollywood lot, but that's who I meant.
I couldn't remember who started it, so I got the clue, but they got the... That's what we like to hear, they're all the same to me, that Hollywood lot.
Yeah, they are though.
Yeah, but it doesn't stand you in very good stead when you're doing competitions that rely on telling the difference between the Hollywood lot.
Yeah, but I think I got the film right, so, you know.
Well, we're not going to go into that.
Lorraine, we're going to give you tickets.
We're going to give you tickets for the Comedy Store Monday night anyway.
Thank you very, very much for calling.
Oh, thank you very much.
Um, and, yeah, well done, and good luck with, uh, homo, homo, homo-opathy.
Uh, Mark's on the line.
Is that Mark?
Does that say Mark?
Hello, Mark.
Okay.
How are you doing?
Very well, very well.
Uh, good.
So, once again, this is a clinical environment, so stay nice and calm.
If you'd now say the name of the star who you think Adam was regressed into.
Say the name now.
No, you're wrong again!
Two wrong callers!
How did you get Ed Harris?
Yeah, but it wasn't Ed Harris, was it?
Yes.
Well, you've got it a bit right, so we'll give you tickets for the Comedy Store on Monday night anyway.
Very much.
A pair of tickets, because you've got a little bit of it right, but it's not Ed Harris, I'm sorry.
Thanks for calling and listening, Mark.
Let's go to Neil.
Hello, Neil.
Hello, Joe.
How are you doing?
Pretty good.
Yeah, you sound very, very calm and confident.
Maybe because I am.
Is this in the bag?
It could well easily be in the bag.
OK, well, let's see whether your confidence is justified.
Who do you think it is?
Say the name now.
So confident that you put a mister on the front.
It's not!
He's still under.
Why did you think it was bacon?
Where do you get your bacon?
Well, it was the tremors thing that you said.
The Apollo 13 and also just being lucky, I had a bacon sandwich this morning.
that's a very good logic well done well done yeah well but you're wrong sorry Neil but we're going to give you tickets to the Comedy Store anyway but thanks for listening and calling and you've very nearly got it right let's hope that Richard could finally put this to bed hello Richard hello okay let's go straight into the naming of the name if you say it right Adam will wake up if you say it wrong he could be dead so now please it's Gary sneeze
That's absolutely correct.
Congratulations.
And that was good because my impression of Sinise was extraordinary.
It was all just kind of like that, wasn't it?
That's why everyone thought Ed Harris.
Yeah, I know.
And the three, what were the three films, do you think, there?
Ransom Forrest Gump and Apollo 13.
That's brilliant.
I was worried that maybe I'd just been too random with the whole thing, but of course Ransom, he's in there with the lady, Lily Taylor, who's in, who shot Andy Warhol.
I shot Andy Warhol, rather.
Did you?
And I didn't, personally.
Anyway, and there's Donnie Wahlberg, is it?
Mark Wahlberg?
I think it's Donnie.
I think it's Donnie is in there.
He's one of the people that kidnaps Mel Gibson's kid and Gary Sinise is the architect of the evil plot.
Of course, Forrest Gump, he played the guy, the Vietnam veteran who loses his legs and gets very bitter and twisted but ends up running a kind of fishing boat operation with Tom Hanks.
And of course there was Apollo 13 where he played the guy who didn't quite make the moon mission because he got the German measles.
So absolutely correct.
Congratulations, Richard.
But how- Richard, we've given everybody tickets to the Comedy Store.
Obviously you'll get some as well.
We should give him something extra, shouldn't we?
Do you like the stereophonics?
Would it be a prize?
You weighed it in there with that one, man.
Why?
We should never ask people if they like the Stereophonics.
I've got the Stereophonics DVD.
Stereophonics are one of these bands that people don't necessarily admit to liking, but everyone loves them deep down.
Could you use two pairs of tickets to the Comedy Store on Monday?
Yes, that would be lovely.
Well, that's what we'll do.
Thank you very, very much for calling, Richard, and many congratulations.
You're a very clever and clever man.
Clever and clever.
Brilliant.
This is Element Joe on XFM, and right now it's music time.
It's Razorlight.
Lila, we were just talking about Star Wars, you know, everyone's chatting about Star Wars.
I've got tickets for a screening tomorrow morning.
Are you going to a screening tomorrow morning, Jim?
I've got the tickets here.
They are in the shape of Darth Vader.
He is reaching out a frightening hand towards me.
But the only problem with the screening tomorrow morning is it starts at nine in the morning.
Oh dear, that is way before our wakey time, isn't it?
yeah, I always fall asleep, basically.
I start to feel ill.
Early m- early Sunday morning screenings, they always, uh, screen the Star Wars films early on a Sunday morning.
The press preview.
And it's just weird, cause I'm always still a bit drunk.
And you haven't had enough sleep.
And, you come out and you feel all knackered.
It's so loud and visually exhausting.
You have to go home.
It's like someone being, I don't know, attacked by a- The clones.
The clones.
When you're drunk.
And so you still haven't seen the movie.
Oh, you still have not seen the movie.
Wow.
I can't imagine going to see the movie because I just have a fear of packed cinemas.
Yeah, well, you're right.
I think the best thing to do is just wait until it's all died down and then go and stick your legs over the seat in front and enjoy it in an empty cinema.
Yeah, that would be nice.
Lila, our producer, was saying to us that there's going to be a bloke in Burger King tomorrow valuing people's Star Wars memorabilia.
Are you sure it's not just like a kind of a tramp?
There's a bloke outside Burger King.
I'd give you about three quid for that yoda there.
Ricky Laughs Steve
as like a- Steve- The stink.
Ricky Laughs Steve- A jar-war or something.
Steve- The smell.
You're recognizing by the smell that bees- Ricky Laughs Steve- Because he weighs 28 stone, he'll be- Steve Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps
However much it's worth.
That's all people ever give you for buying stuff like that.
This guy, um, a painter was doing some painting, unsurprisingly, in my house once and he saw that I had some Star Wars stuff lying around and he said, oh, you like Star Wars, do you?
I said, yeah, yeah, you know, love it.
Oh, yeah, I got a few of those old toys lying around in my attic.
Oh, I got one that looks like a big dog.
I said, oh, you mean the At-At?
Yo, the big dog.
Uh, you can have it if you want.
I said, yeah, brilliant!
And so he brought it round and he just, uh, he sort of just gave it to me.
I remember this story.
Yeah.
And then he- And then he- No, no, you set a price for him that was far too low and then felt happy with yourself.
That you made a bit of a profit off the dumb phone, didn't you?
He said, you know, he said, how much do you want- how much do you think I could get for it?
You ripped him off.
And I said, well, it's not in the box or anything, so, I mean, you could try- How much did you give him for it?
I gave him about 40 quid, which I thought was fairly reasonable.
And then he discovered how much it was worth and tried to buy it back, didn't he?
But you wouldn't let him have it.
No.
That's what I remember.
Cos I got a really good deal off him.
Now what I did, because he... I feel bad.
This story doesn't reflect well on me.
Cos he had children and he said, erm, I wish I hadn't given you the big dog now cos I'd like to give it to my son.
But we should ask the guy in Burger King how much an unboxed at-at is worth.
Unboxed at-at.
But what I gave him instead, I gave him a brand new Millennium Falcon for his kid.
Brand new.
Worthless.
You know, brand new stuff's worthless.
Now I feel bad again.
Are you going to run down your list of things you're worried about Star Wars in the next hour?
Yeah, sometime in the next hour.
That's to look forward to.
Plus, Ditties in the Dock this week, at the end of the show, will be a battle between two kind of disco monstrosities.
It's a Disco Ditties.
We need to talk more about the theme because we haven't really discussed it, but it's sort of disco cover versions.
Disco cover versions, right.
It's going to be good.
But here's the thing, you know, even if you're not interested in the disco cover versions, we're giving away more or less the complete Cure back catalogue to every single person who phones in.
So if you're a Cure fan, let alone a Star Wars fan, then you should stick around for that.
We've cleverly balanced an amazingly good prize with a really poor idea for it is in the dark.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We'll be back shortly.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM now.
Christian O'Connell's Bounty Hunter finishes.
this Monday.
You are supposed to be voting right now.
You can go to the XFM website and xfm.co.uk forward slash bounty vote.
You can listen to a lot of the clips of what all the clips I think of the celebrities who phoned in for Bounty Hunter there and then you can vote by simply texting bounty plus the surname of the celebrity you want to win 283 XFM.
You know I can see the votes coming in on my text screen here Adam and they're coming in thick and
Is there anyone who's standing out there?
At the moment, Hart.
Is that Tony Hart?
Tony Hart, Tony.
Tony Hart seems to be winning.
Sweet.
Well, a lot of votes... I'm not saying he's winning, but a lot of votes seem to be coming for Harty.
Anything for Spielberg?
No, Speeley.
It's quite good, though, that the public vote for who is the most entertaining, not necessarily who's the most famous.
Yeah, yeah.
But anyway, speaking of Spielberg, it's worth hearing what he had to say to Christian O'Connell.
Here he is talking about the new Star Wars film.
absolutely amazing it's the best of the last three episodes it's the best way you could possibly imagine has ended this six episode series very dark you'll cry at the end it's wonderful oh he seems to be crying a little bit then it's wonderful i think chris martin got him to phone in
Is that correct?
Probably.
You know, they're all mates, isn't he?
Speely's related to Gwyneth somehow, isn't Speely Gwyneth's godfather, I think, or something?
Well... Yeah, so they're all a little cluster of peas in a pod.
Yes.
All those big, shiny, famous, sexy people.
I wish I could be in that pod!
I wish I could be in that pod!
I bet you do.
I bet you do.
I don't need their pod.
I've got my own pod.
I'm gonna lie pod!
So listen, he's talking there obviously about Revenge of the Sith.
Yeah, well done.
Good maneuver.
This was sent in to us by a listener.
This was sent in by James Upright.
And, uh... But he sent to us in his letter.
If you play it, please warn me so I can listen.
He's called Obviously High.
You can check out this song at www.obviouslyhigh.co.uk.
This is Breakbeat Mix.
We're just using it as a bed for my top five worries about Revenge of the Sith.
I haven't seen it.
I'm seeing it tomorrow morning.
But these are the things that I'm concerned about.
First of all, they seem to have done all the basic video game environments.
Right.
Uh, forest, snow, lava, this time round.
When are they gonna do beach?
When are they gonna do the beach level?
Which film's that coming in?
Which video game is that in?
All video games.
Do they all have beaches?
All racing games, all platform games, they all have a beach level.
Yeah, you don't play enough video games.
I don't, sorry man.
So that's worry number five.
When are they gonna do the beach sequence?
I wanna see Obi-Wan in swimming trunks.
That's a good idea, though.
Oh, you see, Obi-Wan would be in little swimming trunks, and as a joke, you'd put ones on C-3PO, too.
Of course he doesn't need them, because he's not naked, but anyway.
So that's worry number five.
They're not very good, these worries, as you can tell.
Worry number four, the flipping Wookiees.
Yeah.
They just look ridiculous.
How do you differentiate between Wookiees when there are hundreds of them?
Answer you do their hair all different like the Bee Gees.
They've got highlights They look like they comb their hair from the tip of their nose outwards in a concentric circle Or just face into a blow-dryer like the kings of Leon like the kings of Leon and they're very shiny They look as if they use silver crin is that a dated reference silver crin that exists anymore hairspray silver crin Anyway, some so keep going come on keep going while it's got plaits.
Oh
And aliens with plaits never work.
I've said this before, I think.
Oh dear, I'm going to move on to, so I'm very worried about the Wookies.
I think they look rubbish.
Do they have any cornrows?
That would be desperate if they had like- I think possibly they do.
Oh, that's no good.
I've got more serious concerns about the Wookies.
But my third complaint is, how can you make Natalie Portman unsexy?
Well, why?
What's your problem with that?
Well, they just made her completely unsexy.
Oh, have they?
All she ever says is, yes, your honour, I will meet you in the imperial council of- she's so boring.
That's supposed to be sexy, though, when very attractive women start talking seriously about things.
She's so boring.
Yeah, but maybe when there's cantily cloud that works.
Mmm.
Oh, that's a disaster.
OK, complaint number two.
Oh, those scenes in the Jedi Council.
Is it just me, or is the traffic outside the window more interesting than the conversation?
In two films now, there've been long conversations between Yoda and Sam Jackson, and all I ever look at are the spaceships out the window.
Oh, it's traffic here.
Oh, careful!
That's the near miss.
Where's that one going?
Is it finished yet?
Is that just me?
It can't just be only me.
Congestion charge.
Congestion charge.
He's gonna forget to pay again, isn't he?
He's gonna get fined 50 galactic credits.
That's the currency in space.
That's absolutely true, man.
I remember always the most exciting thing about the Fifth Element was the traffic as well.
Yes.
Okay, and worry number one, my main worry about Revenge of the Sith, is my brain is reaching its maximum capacity for remembering the names of space creatures.
Right.
OK?
I started when I was about five.
I had a lot of memory space for nonsense words and alien creatures.
And now I'm old, I can't remember anymore.
For instance, who's got room for Ugruthwa?
That's not a real one.
Yup, that's one of the Wookiees.
Who's got room for Grackchawa?
That's another Wookie.
What about Meru Meru?
Meru Meru.
Meru Meru.
Meru Meru.
I think that's okay.
If you've got room for Meru Meru.
Yeah, yeah, I can remember that one.
But not Graq Chawawa.
No.
No one's gonna remember Graq Chawawa.
Remember who?
Graq Chawawa.
Graq Chawawa.
What about Yu Guruthwa?
It's really tough.
I've tried to think of space names myself and you run out after a while.
Everything ends with an axe.
or, you know, like, Joltax.
Oh, I can think of a good- Joltax is good, you see, cos it sounds like Poltax.
That's a better name.
It's a text competition.
Have we got time to run a text competition?
Best alien name.
A name that George Lucas should have used for one of the aliens in Star Wars before he got onto rubbish like Gloo Choo Wawa.
What about, er, what about Schnook?
Schnook?
Yes, S-C-H-N-O-O-K.
That's simple, Schnook.
That's more like a Doctor Who name, I think.
Text 83-X-F-M for good alien names that haven't been used yet.
OK.
We'll give you a prize.
Do that right now.
Hey, this is Adam and Joe on XFM on a Saturday afternoon.
And, uh, Joe, how's your text competition going?
Well, I don't know.
If you've just tuned in, we just launched a sort of random, spare-the-moment text competition asking you to come up with better alien names for the Star Wars saga than George Lucas has.
I'm referring, of course, to the names of the new, uh, workies who are called things like, oh no, I've lost them now, U-U-Gruatha and Graak Chawawa and Mermumumu.
and stuff like that, but I don't think it's a good idea for a text competition, because we're just being bombarded with complete gibberish.
Any inspired gibberish?
Not really.
Shall I give you a selection?
An anonymous person has texted in, Glusnifar.
That's no good.
That's no good, you see.
You wanna hear another bad one?
Yeah.
I can't even read that one out.
Is it not filthy, is it?
No, it's just awful.
I know, I really can't read it out.
Read it out, you've got to now.
Scar Gill, from the planet Minos trike.
Oh, no.
Yes.
Who's listening to this show?
Chris Barry?
The best one so far is an alien called Jeff.
And that's come from John in Burrow.
And that would be very refreshing just to have Gruffafo, to Kalala, Jeff.
Go and get... Whatever, that would be a good line of dialogue.
Spam Thrax.
And someone, it's called Fiona Clark, hello Fiona, she's texted in just a sort of not funny but quite good detailed name.
Clafy Rafa.
Clafy Rafa.
and Sningoop Jee Dab.
I like the idea that she was sat there listening to the radio and then she's texted him.
Turned it down and started saying, Raffy Raffa.
Raffy Raffa.
Hang on, then she's another couple, Moochie Woo and Cabana.
That's just what they call each other in bed, surely.
Look, I've got better names.
What about Adobe?
Adobe?
Adobe and eBay.
Yeah.
Yeah?
They'd be good names for unlicensed cab drivers.
Cibata and Panini are good ones as well.
Anyway, I might call the text competition off, but I think, I think Fiona deserves a prize for clafy rah far far.
And moochie woo.
Do you think?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Go on.
Other than that, the text competition's terminated.
Thank you very much for everybody who, who entered, but we apologise, and let's just forget it ever happened.
Er, here's the Foo Fighters to make up for it.
Wow, he smashed everything up with his guitar.
Yes, he smashed absolutely everything up with those shouting and words and guitar.
He's so excited about everything.
Yes, that's the Foo Fighters with Best of You.
This is Elleman Joe on XFM.
Just to wrap up that Star Wars alien name text competition that we had to curtail because of high levels of nonsense, we're going to award what tickets to see Idlewild to Bex, who, I apologise, I credited Bex's brilliant alien names to Fiona and it was in fact Bex, came up with Moochiwoo and Kabana, no, Moochiwoo, Kabana.
Er, wasn't there another one?
Fiona came up with Clarie Rara Farce in Jude Arbic.
There you go.
That's good.
Who is awarding tickets for just random letters?
Hey, you know what?
That reminds me I forgot to watch Bob Geldorf's Daughters thing.
Yeah, I hear it was quite good.
Geldorf.
Having slagged off Peaches, it got very good reviews in the end.
Did it?
But neither of us saw it, so they made me wrong.
I think it pops up on Sky Mix every now and again, but I can't watch it.
Flappity bock, bock bock.
Is that what you're calling me?
Well, there's two more names.
Flappity bock.
OK.
That's quite good, isn't it?
Mobile fed, Chewbacca, Flappity Bock.
That's not bad, I still like Jeff.
What about Bot-Bot?
Bot-Bot is C3PO.
R2, Bot-Bot.
No.
No?
No.
I quite like Bot-Bot.
Bot-Bot.
Maybe I'm coming around to Bot-Bot.
Yeah.
If Bot-Bot had a kind of pronounced botic region.
Yeah, well, there we go.
That would ruin it, maybe.
I don't know.
So coming up very soon, Ditty's in the Dock, it's a disco cover version of Ditty's in the Dock, and the prize is amazing.
Basically three Cure special issue, um, deluxe CDs.
These are these super, you know, double disc issues.
Yeah.
Uh, which have all the lost tracks on them.
Am I explaining this well?
And, uh, and that goes to every single person who calls in will get those- Every single person who gets on air- Three CDs.
Who gets on air.
Who gets on air, that's correct.
Will get a 3D Cure back catalogue, you know, masterworks set.
Exactly.
Are you confident with your choice?
Don't say what it is yet, obviously.
Not enormously.
Hey, um, just before we do that and we play some more music, did you happen to see the Lenny Henry show last night?
No.
I think we spoke a while back in kind of unkind terms about Lenny Henry's TV programme.
which there was he had a series last year was it or the beginning of this year do you remember when it was yes i do and um it was very bad but last night i watched when it was quite good it was really not bad lenny lenny lenny what was good about it what did he do that was good he did an outcast parody he did an outcast parody i didn't see the whole show but i tuned in uh for him doing his he's got like a corner shop uh owner guy character that he sort of sounds off about things that was pretty funny
And I thought, well, this is not the old guy from the 80s.
Maybe with a little pork pie hat and a grey moustache.
Is he the guy?
That's a character Lenny's been doing since 1934, isn't it?
Well, he had some funny stuff to say with the character.
Tried and tested.
And then he did like a really pretty good spoof of the Hey Ya video, you know, the Outkast video.
where he played all the characters and good production values and the conceit of this the humorous song was that Lenny was a black pop star who was going out with a very posh middle-class English girl who sort of went okay yeah
Quite good, you see.
That's not bad.
And so there's lots of good lyrics about her dad not liking Lenny because he's black or the character that Lenny was playing.
It was pretty good.
Pretty good.
You know, if you're walking through Soho Square in central London today, there's little posters for some stand-up gigs for Lenny stuck in the windows of one of the buildings on the corner of Soho Square.
He's doing some little secret stand-up gigs.
To test out material.
Yeah.
So if you're walking past there, you could take down the details and go to that if you're a Lenny fan.
If you're a Lenny fan.
But, yeah, check out the show, I would say.
It was pretty all right.
Here's the Ramones.
We'll be back with Ditties in the Dock.
Fantastic.
That's the Ramones with You Don't Come Close.
Or just Don't Come Close.
Ditties in the Dock time.
We'll make this quick because we've only got quarter of an hour left to the show.
This is a part of the program where Joe and myself battle it out.
This is a genuine battle to see who will be able to play the final free play of our show here on a Saturday afternoon on XFM.
This week the theme is disco cover versions.
Is that right?
That's correct, and everybody who gets on air, everybody who calls 08712221049 to vote and gets on air will win three Cure albums, Faith, Pornography, and Seventeen Seconds in their deluxe, digitally remastered two-disc sets.
A fantastic prize.
They're in the shops next week as well if you don't win.
So it is disco cover versions, and am I beginning?
Yeah, you start.
Okay, Joe Cornish's pitch this week is tied in with the release of Star Wars Revenge of the Sith.
I'd like to play Star Wars Galactic Funk by Nico.
This is the disco version of the original Star Wars theme from 77, including a bridge that has the cantina song disco-fide.
It's a fantastic record.
It's got lightsaber sounds and also space blaster sounds that go boom boom boom boom.
all the way through it and it is very funky and disco and it's the Star Wars theme.
It's recorded by a guy called Nico Monado who went to see the first ever public showing of the original Star Wars at 11 in the morning on May the 26th, 1977 in New York.
I quote this man, having seen the film, I went back to see it three more times the next day knowing this would be the largest grossing movie of all time.
Then it hit me, my concept, like a bolt of lightning.
You've seen the movie?
Now go dance to it.
And that's how he came up with the idea for the Star Wars disco theme.
It went to number one everywhere in the world.
That's what it says on his website.
Everywhere in the world, and was certified platinum.
And Miko says, my album outsold the original soundtrack 1.5 million to 1.1 million units.
So there we go.
It's brilliant.
It's the Star Wars galactic funk.
If you want to hear that, 08712221049 and vote for funky Star Wars or something like that.
That is a comprehensive pitch.
I'm going to make a very short one in comparison.
Disco version of Sex Pistols Classics.
And this is a track that appears on the album, The Great Rock and Roll Swindle, so you'll be familiar with it if you have that album.
But if you haven't, I certainly recommend you vote for it because it's really a properly good disco song.
So is the Star Wars disco funk?
You're insane.
It is!
You're insane.
It's got guns in it.
It's got guns.
Well this is a version of God Save the Queen and Pretty Vacant and it's a kind of medley basically.
Anarchy in the UK and no one else.
A Sex Pistols Disco Medley?
Yeah.
Man, that's top competition.
Sex Pistols Disco Medley by the Black Arabs.
That's all I'm going to say about that.
So phone 0871 2221049.
Vote for Sex Pistols or Star Wars.
We'll be back very shortly.
XFM
Yes, this is Adam and Joel on XFM.
You join us at the gut-wrenching climax to Ditties in the Dock this week.
We've got five callers on the line.
It's disco cover versions this week, the Sex Pistols versus the Star Wars disco theme.
Up for grabs for everybody who gets through is the... Oh, it's not the complete back catalogue, isn't it?
Three Cure albums, digitally remastered, deluxe double disc editions, pornography, faith, and 17 seconds.
So let's go straight to the phones.
Hello, Jasper.
Hello.
How are you?
I'm all right.
What news, Jasper?
What's going on?
What's up?
Nothing, just we're going out with the kids for the day.
Really?
Where are you going, Jasper?
How old are your children?
They're six and four.
We've just been actually to Legoland.
Where's Legoland?
Windsor, you buffoon.
Windsor?
I didn't know that.
Of course.
How long does it take to get to Windsor?
For me, about an hour and a half.
And is it worth the trip?
What?
Was it worth it?
Yeah, it's all right.
It's all right.
Well, there we go.
Well, you know, LEGOLAND are going to be very pleased for that glowing plug.
Jasper, who are you voting for?
I haven't been out for a while.
You haven't been out for a while?
Are you on day release?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, OK.
You're a prisoner on day release.
OK, Jasper, who are you voting for?
Star Wars or the Sex Pistols?
It's Star Wars.
Hey, well done, Jasper.
Good one.
That's 1-0, and you win that Cure triple album beauty bag.
Yeah, that'll cheer you up.
Thanks for calling, Jasper.
Have a great day.
Adrian, are you there?
Hello, yes I am.
Hello Adrian, how are you?
Good thanks.
Have you been to Legoland today?
Um, no.
Why not?
I'm going to go in spirit.
Have you ever been to Legoland?
No, I haven't, it's very easy.
Why not?
Get off Legoland, man.
Why not?
I want free tickets to Legoland.
I wouldn't mind going to Legoland.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Adam, take over, come on.
I forgot the name of the caller.
Adrian.
Adrian, what are you going to vote for, Adrian?
I'm gonna go with Star Wars as well.
Oh, hey!
Could I be wiping the board, sweeping the board?
It's sacred, isn't it?
Say that again?
Sex Pistols are a bit too sacred to tamper with.
Too sacred?
They tampered with it themselves.
This is from their album.
I'd quite like to hear that as well, the Sex Pistols one.
It's really not bad.
But still, you know, it's not up to us.
So there we go.
2-0 to the Disco Star Wars theme.
Thanks for calling Adrian.
You get those Cure albums as well.
Geoff, hello.
Hello.
How are you, Geoff?
Oh, I'm not too bad.
It's nice and sunny.
Is it nice and sunny?
Have you not been alternately rained on and then sunned on?
Not yet, no, but I will be working outside later.
Wasn't there a huge, terrifying clap of thunder moments ago in your area?
No, it's really sunny at the moment.
It's really clear.
Just because of you, Geoff.
It's just above you, it's sunny.
Geoff, what are you going to be working on outside?
I'm working at the soap awards tonight at the BBC.
Why are they outside?
The soap awards?
Well, I'm taking photographs of the soap people arriving, so... Are they hosted by Richard and Judy?
No, no Richard and Judy, I'm afraid.
Who's hosting them?
I think it's Lily Savage.
It doesn't sound like you care about the soap awards, Geoff.
If you take photographs at the soap awards, does that mean that you have to know every single one of the soap people?
I assume it does.
It's really difficult because you might know the screen names, but you don't know the real names.
I wouldn't recognize a single one.
That would be a nightmare assignment for me.
I'd just be taking pictures of all the other photographers.
Anyway, which one are you going to vote for?
Is it going to be Star Wars or the Sex Pistols?
It's gonna have to be Star Wars.
Are you joking?
I've been completely creamed.
Wait, we've got another caller on and it's already a walkover.
Are we chopping that other caller?
Well, yeah, that's it.
Oh, so we're gonna have to.
It's 3-0.
Well, thanks for calling Geoff, Adrian and Jasper, your very clever men.
And you've chosen very well.
Can I just play you a snatch?
Yeah, please do.
If you forgive me for using that word.
Oh, no, no, that's yours, that's one.
This is the one that...
That sounds good.
Quite good.
Let's wait for the Sex Pistols tune to come in.
It's a bit confusing because it starts with this bit.
All disco covers sound the same.
It sounds just like the Star Wars one.
When's it gonna happen?
It's coming in now.
Do you want me to be playing the whole thing?
Oh, for goodness sake.
This isn't justice.
That's the problem with disco is it takes too long to get going.
That's good.
Anyway, you lunatics.
It's so nice to hear someone proclaiming themselves the Antichrist in such an upbeat way.
Absolutely.
So here it is.
This is by Meeko, the Star Wars theme.
Keep listening because in the fridge it goes into the cantina theme.
Turn it up loud and, I don't know, pretend to be Luke Skywalker.
Justin Lee Collins is coming up very shortly.
We'll be back with you next week, same time.
Thanks for listening.
Bye, love you, bye.
Bye!